Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

So this was pretty much the coolest thing ever.

Even after plans fell through and I had to go by myself, it was awesome. For those of you that don’t know, this week is beer week in SF and the opening ceremonies is the crown Jewel. You pay 70 bucks and they give you an awesome beer week glass chalice with this logo on it and there are like 60 breweries from within the bay area with their best brew on tap and they fill your glass as many times as you want.

Let me simplify this for you: Pay 70 bucks, get unlimited beer. And not bullshit beer. Like, really really good beer. Also, there was pretty good live blue grass music, sweet games for people to play like sand bag toss (or whatever the hell that game is called) and lots of good food. It’s like a convention showroom floor but instead of nerds and toys it was hipsters and beer. I had 3 different sausages and probably 20 different types of beer. And I made lots of new friends/enemies in the enormous bathroom lines. (I overheard one guy say “nobody likes yelp”, almost whipped out my schlong and peed on his shoes.)

Out of all the beer I drank, most of which I unfortunately do not completely remember, these were my top 3 breweries in no particular order:

Linden Street Brewery, Oakland: These guys had 3 really good beers, the lightest of which was my favorite. If I recall, it had a very roasty flavor that went well with the sausage sandwich I was eating. Also, the guy running it was on my rugby team so he filled my glass a little more than any other spot; naturally, I visited this booth the most.

Pacific Brewing Laboratories, San Francisco: This was my first beer of the night and it was a good one. Their squid ink beer, a dark IPA, is what they seem to be most well-known for but I tried the lighter one because I prefer light beer and drinking something called squid ink didn’t sound particularly great, although I regret not going back for it a little now because their light one was so tasty. Also, they were wearing lab coats and science goggles which was neat or whatever.

Two Rivers Cider, Sacramento: I’m a sucker for alcoholic cider so I was pumped to see these guys. I usually get pear cider but they had apple so I went for that and shit balls it was good. It was towards the end of the night so I was drunk enough for it to taste just like Martinelli’s which was fantastic. Also, I was on my third sausage (a home-made garlic cheddar-wurst on a stick that was just about the best thing ever.) and the sweetness of the cider paired well with the savory of the sausage.

The entire night I only had one or two beers that I didn’t like and only one of them that I didn’t finish. I can say with confidence that, as long as I live in the bay area, it is unlikely that I will miss this event. Neither should you.

Welcome to the thirdliest episode of Jesse McGrath is Smarter than Art

(Various alternate titles included: Jesse McGrath gets Art pregnant, Art aint shit, Jesse McGrath rocks the dicks at Art shit, Jesse McGrath’s Art Cart, and JMac and the urban Art throw down)

Uh oh bitches, GUESS WHO’S BACK. After months of meditation and deep thinking I have come back stronger than ever with more shit about, ya know, art and shit. With the return of the school year comes the return of, you guessed it, San Francisco State and their questionable decisions regarding campus art. Today’s special: Weird Asian head thing.  

Title: Untitled (Otherwise known as: Asian cube monster) 

At First Glance: Finally, some proof that severed Chinese heads squashed between a bunch of cubes is not always a recipe for success.

Where is it: Tucked away in a little Zen area by the creative arts building. 

What is it: Good question. Looks to be a giant melting Buddha paper weight, but I could be wrong. Probs not though. Its probs a giant Buddha themed paper weight. Also, cubes. There’s no other reason this would happen.  

Review: Here’s the thing. I started writing this review weeks ago with the mind set of bashing this thing to pieces like I did in the last two episodes. I mean, look at it. What IS it? But I tucked it a way for a while and I have finally realized: I think I like this stupid ugly thing. I’ve gone soft. Now, don’t get me wrong, it is very stupid. And it makes pretty much no sense at all. I would very much like to ask the artist what it is supposed to mean and then, before he could utter a single word, strike him down with the back of my hand. But that is the beauty with this; it doesn’t have to make any sense. A lot of times art tries so hard to be everything metaphorically while being nothing physically. Case in point, Butthole rock. But this silly little thing seems to be the exact opposite. It’s like how children make art:

“That’s a pretty sculpture Tommy, what is it?”
“Melting face and cubes.”
“Uh-hu and what does it mean?”
“Melting face and cubes.”

And ya know, that’s ok with me. Because if you are going to force me to look at 100 pieces of horse shit art on my walk from the humanities building to the bus stop then at least give me something like old melty face here. It says: “It’s ok to be hideous and worthless, as long as you’re funny to look at.”


Why I am smarter than it: I shouldn’t even have to answer that. Look at that squishy face. There’s no brains in there, just some cubes and a squishy face. I’m def smarter than that.

Welcome to the very second episode of Jesse McGrath is Smarter than Art

(Various alternate titles included:  Jesse McGrath ≥ Art, Jesse McGrath’s Electric Art Parade, Jesse McGrath is out of original ideas, Jesse McGrath Puts Art to Bed, and Art: Boil it, Mash it, Stick it in a Stew)

Here I am again with another art review from someone who knows a thing or two about looking at shit and then saying things about it. On today’s menu: Genderless Tentacle Statue

Title: Untitled (Otherwise known as: Genderless Tentacle Statue)

At First Glance: Yuck.

Where is it: The top of San Francisco State campus in-between the HSS and business buildings, the two least interesting buildings on the face of the earth.

What is it: Well it’s no Butthole Rock, I’ll tell you that much. (see episode 1)

Review: So at San Francisco State there is this pleasant little courtyard nestled in-between two buildings with lots of benches and big shady trees. You can sit and enjoy a nice brunch, watch all of the business majors pretend to actually give a shit about their education, or just relax and soak up some overcast. Those are things you could do, if you weren’t too busy being mesmerized by the androgynous statue creature emerging from its ominous tentacle forest. The most baffling thing about this statue is deciding what to hate about it the most.  The weird unspecific groin bulge almost makes you overlook the creepy smile, overly toned abs, and complete lack of lower limbs, almost. The only way that this is acceptable to look at for me is if I picture it as a man that lost his lower limbs and penis in a terrible lower limbs and penis accident and had them replaced with a rocket pack, the bed of kelp they placed him in is all of the awesome fire and smoke billowing around him during takeoff. This is probably not the case. The more likely scenario is that this artist is in a long line of San Francisco State artists that start something and quickly realize that what they are making is not worth the effort, so they give up. They throw it in a landfill and SF State promptly comes by in the night and steals it from the garbage heap to add to sections of their campus that have not yet been spoiled by an ass hole piece art. In conclusion, if people are asking “is this an amputee robot or a transvestite mermaid?” something in your creative process has gone rotten.

Why I am smarter than it: Everyone knows that penis size is directly related to brain size. Spoiler alert: My penis is bigger than a one inch yucky blob of gender confusion. Plus, this thing doesn’t even have legs, how smart could it be?

That’s a wrap. Bring your umbrellas next time cuz im bouts to make it rain art knowledge all over yo shit.

Welcome to the very first episode of Jesse McGrath is Smarter than Art

(Various alternate titles included: Jesse McGrath Farts on Art, Art is totally like lolz, Jesse McGrath Shows Art Who’s Boss, Jesse McGrath: Ruler of Art, Jesse McGrath Rubs his Nuts on Art, More like Fart, and Hey Art, Shut the Hell Up Already)

In this series I will review and attempt to explain various pieces of art found around San Francisco. I will start by working my way through the Art of San Francisco State University. Fun Fact: Every single college campus in the world has at least one piece of bullshit art. I have been to every single one and seen them all so just trust me on this one. San Francisco State just so happens to be the capitol of all college campus bullshit art. Everywhere you turn is a big hunk of shit breathing right in your face. So without further delay…Butt Hole Rock!

Title: Untitled (Otherwise known as: That one rock that totally looks like a Fucking Butthole)

At first glance: Soooooo that’s a butt hole.                                                                                                                           

Where is it: Hidden behind the Science building at San Francisco State. Where it belongs.

What is it: It’s a boulder with an anus polished right into the middle of it. Right there. A big ol’ turd slide.

Review: I don’t really even know what to say about this. I would never call something like this “art” but I took an art class and we walked to this and my teacher said the words “this is art,” so that just about settles it. I just wonder whether or not the “artist” knows what he did. There is no way he made this and thought, yeah, this looks good, totally not like a huge stone butt hole. It looks like someone started to make something real, got tired of doing that, and decided to leave it as is, and then San Francisco State was like: “Let’s keep it, it’s like looking in a mirror.”

Arguably the worst part about all of this is that if this were a real butt hole, all of the poop would just come out and curl back onto the butt cheeks. Because, you know, pooping whilst pointing your ass straight in the air is like, a really weird and difficult thing to do. Take it from an expert.

Why I am smarter than it: For starters it’s a rock. For Seconders it’s a butt hole. I pride myself on being smarter than not one, but both of those things.

Tune in next time for some more intellectual art review from someone who knows his shit.

P.S. Did I mention that this thing is a butt hole? Totally is.