Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

get ready for my TANT rant

So. Uh. Hollywood is doing this cute little thing these days where it doesn’t have a single original idea and everything they make is based off of some previously generated content in some form or another. See:

The Hunger Games (book)
Harry Potter (book)
Twilight (book)
Total Recall (remake)
Clash of the Titans (remake of a movie based on a myth)
Three stooges (television show)

This is just to name a few off the top of my head. So I wasn’t at all surprised to find out that they are re-booting the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (TMNT) in live action form. They got the directors of Wrath of the Titans and Transformers to direct and produce (respectively) this movie. And, oh yeah, they aren’t mutants. They are aliens. Lets recap:

Aliens.

what?

wait.

what?

So, first of all, when re-inventing a cult classic that a lot of people are going to care about, I would say that you should pick a director that you know is going to produce excellent work. or maybe even average work. Director Jonathan Liebesman has directed 6 feature length films, three of which were horror movies, one of which was a prequel to the Texas Chainsaw Massacre called Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. (For those of you counting at home, that is a crappy prequel for a crappy movie that was a remake of a crappy 70’s movie that was very vaguely based off a true story). To be fair, I have not seen a single one of his movies. Nor will I.

Michael Bay is a pile of human waste. Wait, let me start over. Michael Bay=taint sweat. Ugh. Whatever I try to type it just comes out as truth, I don’t know what to tell you. Michael Bay has given the world movies such as Armagedon, the Bad Boys series (a 3rd one has been announced) and The Rock. If that doesn’t sound too bad, that’s because it’s not. Unfortunately for earth, he never stops. We have also gotten a little pile of horse shit by the name of Pearl Harbor, and THREE very awful Transformer movies (It’s as if he has set out to ruin everything great from our childhoods. Wouldn’t be surprised if next year he announced a 3D Goosebumps movie)  He is also notoriously sighted as being a gigantic asshole to everyone. So there’s that. Also, he said that making the MUTANT ninja turtles as aliens makes for a richer and more interesting plot…which brings me to my last point…

FUCKING ALIENS???!!??!?!

What is the reasoning for this?? There was nothing wrong with mutants. It was stupid and simple and perfect. MUTANT IS IN THEIR NAMES. Aliens make everything SO god damn complicated. It will either A) require excessive amounts of confusing explanation that will infuriate older audiences and baffle younger ones, or, B) Not be explained at all, thus infuriating and baffling kids and adults of all ages! And, among other things, it completely destroys the whole “TMNT” logo/brand while simultaneously making itself ineligible to use one of the greatest theme songs in American History.

And lastly, I think we can all agree that the best part of TMNT growing up was the awesome toys. Did you have that bus? Of course you did. You had it or you wanted it because you had a brain and cable television. I can say with supreme confidence that the toys tied to this movie will suck nards. Pretty pumped for my younger siblings to have really crappy alien themed toys based off a really crappy alien movie based off a really great thing from my childhood.

Thanks for reading, I’m off to dunk my head in a bucket of toxic waste so that I can turn into a pizza loving crime fighting alien named after a historical figure and murder everyone involved in this film.